Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Netflix Streaming Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

 Who saw this in the theaters? If you did, quit reading my blog.

            I dig Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton (who I hadn’t heard of until now, even though I saw Quantum of Solace), but not enough to see this on the big screen.

            Watch this on Netflix instant watch? Without a doubt it was bumped up to the top. The movie looked fun, and it was a big movie, so I definitely wanted to check it out. Big names, big action, big effects, big fun, right?

            I ended up pretty indifferent towards the movie at the end. It was about what I expected, it was fun – when the troll named Edward came to Gretel’s defense was a pleasant surprise – if only the rest of the movie had held the same sort of fun. The one-liners were pretty bad (a drinking game: imagine all the possible jokes one could come up with in regards to Hansel and Gretel and take a shot every time the movie does one, because it will, trust me); the movie had a huge aura of “safe” around it. There’s nothing surprising in the movie, even when it tries to surprise you towards the end, you see the whole thing coming a mile away, and though not really a bad thing it just wasn't much of a thing at all.

            Seriously!? That’s what it took? I get that the guy previously directed Dead Snow (streaming now on Netflix), and I haven’t seen it but was it that good that his pitch of Hansel and Gretel growing up really that good? It makes me think of something I heard a long time ago, that the movie Hook came from a kid asking his dad: “What if Peter Pan grew up?” The dad ran out and made up the story of Hook, which instead he should have told his kid he needed more than just a fucking hypothetical to make up a good movie. Of course I don’t think this movie was as bad as Hook, but still, the betrayal that was Hook is still deep so forgive me my digression.

            How on Earth did they think this was an original idea that would spawn a money-making trilogy? They live and work in Hollywood for Christ’s sake, how did they not hear about the tragedy that was Van Helsing (and that had Kate Beckinsale!)?

            (If you saw Van Helsing in the theatre, also leave my blog, sorry, Kate Beckinsale or not, just leave.)

            Again, Hansel and Gretel ain’t Van Helsing bad by any means (the missing kids pictures on milk cartons was pretty stupid though), but it certainly wasn’t as good as it could have been.

            Imagine how better the movie would have been if they weren’t planning on a trilogy (essentially 3 mediocre movies) and one really bad-ass movie.

            I can imagine it; I just don’t have the connections this guy did to get it made so you all are gonna miss out.

            Ha ha! Fuck you Hollywood.

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