Monday, June 23, 2014

Escape From Tomorrow, some people call it that Disneyland movie, everyone should call it that Disneyland movie that sucks

“Hi Mr. Disneyland representative (we’ll call him Mr. Dr), we’d like to film a movie here,” said the writer/director.

            “Sure, let’s see the script and see what kind of movie it is. Huh, father loses job while on vacation at Disneyland, ignores family to stare at teenage French girls to the point that his wife is uncomfortable and irritated, then the father has an affair – “

            “Or does he!” Mr. Dr looks at the writer/director from over the top of his glasses for a moment and then continues to read silently to himself before finishing the script and placing it down on his desk. He looks at the writer/director, and the producer or whoever lost the bet to present the movie to Mr. Dr.

            “What happens at the end?”

            “What do you mean?” The writer/director is trying to hide the fact that he’s not trying all that hard to hide his smiling.

            “I mean what is that ending all about?” The writer/director grins like an idiot and answers with:

            “What do you think it’s about?”

        Mr. Dr sighs and think of probably many other more important things he has on his schedule for the day. He says that they cannot film that movie in the park.

            “Because you are so close minded!” The writer/director yells. “You must have such a tight grip on movies shot here that it kills the creativity that you feign to support!”

            Mr. Dr. pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes for a moment while he shakes his head and says, “No, this movie is horrible, that’s why.” He opens his eyes and looks to the men before him. “It doesn’t even portray the park in a negative light. What you present here as the inner-workings of the park is complete fantasy and so obviously fantastical that it makes you look idiotic if you think we would be offended or even threatened by anything presented in this movie. As a bit of a part-time writer, though, I do take offense to your lack of detail in the main character whose mental instability you have reduced to being nothing more than a horny old man who pines for two young French girls at the risk of his children’s safety. It is offensive, you taking the idea of a man’s mental breakdown while in a theme park, and making it completely and utterly pointless.”

            The writer/director, missing the point, responds with: “Then if you will not allow us to film in the park, I will film without you knowing about it, using guerilla style filmmaking, and then I will tell everyone that’s how I filmed it!”

            Mr. Dr says with a shrug, “I don’t care.” Then, when really thinking about it, he adds: “Actually, I bet that will be the most interesting thing about this movie and that will be the only reason anyone would be interested in it. You go ahead, idiot, film your movie and we’ll pretend like we don’t know you, which is how your family and friends will act after this is released.”

            That’s how I imagine it went down. I cannot believe I fell for it, but I did. I heard about this movie so I thought I’d check it out and boy oh boy was it dull. The idea that it was trying to put to film was mildly interesting but it’s like the people making the film did not have the nerve to go all the way with it.

            This movie is such a waste of time that it’s really not even funny – though if the movie had been funny it maybe wouldn’t have been such a waste of time.

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