What can I say
about All The Boys Love Mandy Lane other than it is a slasher movie.
Nothing new or particularly interesting about it, in fact I almost gave up on
it, and probably should have. On the border of “Didn’t Like It” and “Liked It”
this movies falls just this side of “Didn’t Like It”. It’s like The Last Stand
of 80’s horror movies. (That’s not a good thing.) I don’t get the
feeling that it was trying to do any sort of nod towards the 80’s horror movies
other than the fact that it was pretty much a straightforward slasher movie,
the likes one would see from the 80’s, as opposed to anything after Scream that
would have any sort of edge to it or originality (though even the Scream movies
would eventually lose all of that as well).
So I take this movie as it is, a slasher movie, one we’ve seen many times and
one of the lesser well-made kind. The movie and acting are all about what you’d
expect, it’s just the story itself isn’t very good.
I get that Amber Heard is pretty, but in this movie I do not get why all the
boys apparently love her. There is nothing presented to us that stands out as
an explanation for the fascination with her. To be honest, the more I watched
the movie the more I found the other blonde girl more attractive, and still the
more I watched again I realized that the other girl was the better of the two
actresses. Whitney Able is her name, and I don't know if it was just that Amber
Heard was really bored filming Mandy Lane or what; maybe she knew this wasn't a
good movie so she didn't really put any effort into her character, either way,
Whitney Able was acting, she was working, and in the end you're rooting for her
character to make it more than you are for Amber Heard's.
I looked Whitney Able up after the
Mandy Lane movie and found that she was the girl in Monsters . . .
How a girl who
goes from Mandy Lane to Monsters is not more popular than a girl who goes from
Mandy Lane to say: Syrup, is way the fuck beyond me.
The problems with Mandy Lane stretch
from the horribly obvious to the horribly impossible. Example: A girl is killed
by shoving the barrel of a gun into her mouth so far that her mouth snaps open,
like it breaks her jaw. It’s graphic and you see it, briefly, but it is there,
and the girl goes limp. Next scene her mouth is fine, though they did manage to
put a bit of blood around her mouth to show that – though she has miraculously
healed herself almost entirely, she was still hurt there once just seconds ago.
The other problem is when the one
guy has his privates passionately kissed by a girl until he reaches his peak
moment of happiness? Not sure if you can get what I’m saying – like she used
her mouth on him in a way that would make one think that they were married, but
not like for a long time married, like newlywed married, you know? Anyway, he’s
feelin’ good because the ending of the thing the girl was doing was happy,
right? So he goes back into the house and immediately starts hitting on Mandy
Lane again! This is total bullshit. Dude would be so chill and at least need a
few minutes before he was all horned up again. I was a teenage boy once, I
remember how horny I was, and I remember . . . well, let’s just say I had a lot
of parties that no one else was invited to except for me, and afterwards I just
wanted to lay there (mostly in tears). Sure a while later I was ready to go
again, but not the time it takes to walk from outside a house to the inside.
I should also talk about the
almost-kiss in the bathroom between Mandy Lane and the Monsters girl. It was
very well done, suspenseful and sexy and all that, but certainly not worth
sitting through this movie for. But Josh, had they kissed, would it have been
worth it? Nope.
Mandy Lane is not a good movie,
unless you like unoriginal slasher movies, in which case check it out!
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