I "Didn't Like It" Mandy Lane: and see if you can follow my stream of consciousness on this one.

What can I say about All The Boys Love Mandy Lane other than it is a slasher movie.

            Nothing new or particularly interesting about it, in fact I almost gave up on it, and probably should have. On the border of “Didn’t Like It” and “Liked It” this movies falls just this side of “Didn’t Like It”. It’s like The Last Stand of 80’s horror movies. (That’s not a good thing.) I don’t get the feeling that it was trying to do any sort of nod towards the 80’s horror movies other than the fact that it was pretty much a straightforward slasher movie, the likes one would see from the 80’s, as opposed to anything after Scream that would have any sort of edge to it or originality (though even the Scream movies would eventually lose all of that as well).

            So I take this movie as it is, a slasher movie, one we’ve seen many times and one of the lesser well-made kind. The movie and acting are all about what you’d expect, it’s just the story itself isn’t very good.

            I get that Amber Heard is pretty, but in this movie I do not get why all the boys apparently love her. There is nothing presented to us that stands out as an explanation for the fascination with her. To be honest, the more I watched the movie the more I found the other blonde girl more attractive, and still the more I watched again I realized that the other girl was the better of the two actresses. Whitney Able is her name, and I don't know if it was just that Amber Heard was really bored filming Mandy Lane or what; maybe she knew this wasn't a good movie so she didn't really put any effort into her character, either way, Whitney Able was acting, she was working, and in the end you're rooting for her character to make it more than you are for Amber Heard's.

            I looked Whitney Able up after the Mandy Lane movie and found that she was the girl in Monsters . . .

            How a girl who goes from Mandy Lane to Monsters is not more popular than a girl who goes from Mandy Lane to say: Syrup, is way the fuck beyond me.

           

            The problems with Mandy Lane stretch from the horribly obvious to the horribly impossible. Example: A girl is killed by shoving the barrel of a gun into her mouth so far that her mouth snaps open, like it breaks her jaw. It’s graphic and you see it, briefly, but it is there, and the girl goes limp. Next scene her mouth is fine, though they did manage to put a bit of blood around her mouth to show that – though she has miraculously healed herself almost entirely, she was still hurt there once just seconds ago.

            The other problem is when the one guy has his privates passionately kissed by a girl until he reaches his peak moment of happiness? Not sure if you can get what I’m saying – like she used her mouth on him in a way that would make one think that they were married, but not like for a long time married, like newlywed married, you know? Anyway, he’s feelin’ good because the ending of the thing the girl was doing was happy, right? So he goes back into the house and immediately starts hitting on Mandy Lane again! This is total bullshit. Dude would be so chill and at least need a few minutes before he was all horned up again. I was a teenage boy once, I remember how horny I was, and I remember . . . well, let’s just say I had a lot of parties that no one else was invited to except for me, and afterwards I just wanted to lay there (mostly in tears). Sure a while later I was ready to go again, but not the time it takes to walk from outside a house to the inside.

            I should also talk about the almost-kiss in the bathroom between Mandy Lane and the Monsters girl. It was very well done, suspenseful and sexy and all that, but certainly not worth sitting through this movie for. But Josh, had they kissed, would it have been worth it? Nope.

            Mandy Lane is not a good movie, unless you like unoriginal slasher movies, in which case check it out!

I "Liked It" Syrup: But only because of Amber Heard's sex appeal

Syrup is a movie that you could have written. Seriously, you, reading this. You could have written this movie script.

            You’d write the story and submit it and it would never be made. Shocker. Someone else – with connections – writes the story and it gets made, with Amber Heard no less and Brittany Snow.

            Brittany Snow is hardly in it, less than the monsters in Monsters. I’m not a big fan of Brittany Snow, to be honest, but I know who she is and I have seen her in 2 other movies, both of which “I Loved It”, and one of them is still streaming. The Vicious Kind, and to me personally, Brittany Snow is more attractive in that movie than she is in this one.

            So though I did not see it for Brittany Snow, knowing that she was in it made it seem a bit more appealing. Well, imagine my surprise when an actor whose name is on the front of the movie, is barely in said movie. She’s not in it much, but she’s attractive, and that’s pretty much this whole movie. Sex appeal and nothing else.

            This movie is like the girls in it (and I use that simply because I can’t truly say the guys are attractive or not. I mean, they’re not ugly, I suppose, but I wouldn’t say they were attractive either. Let’s just say pretty much this movie is for the guys because the girls are really really sexing it up, while the guys – well, again, are they sexing it up to? I don’t think so but again, I’m a guy and I wouldn’t really know, either way . . . ) made up to look good and hide that there’s really nothing there. What it ends up doing is highlighting what’s not good and make it even more obvious that there’s really nothing there.

            The movie could possibly have been better had the actors been a bit more older. I think the movie would have had a more serious edge to it, as well as a darker one. The cast that’s in the movie makes it feel more like it’s adapted from a young adult novel. I get that’s probably what the people who made the movie were aiming towards, the kind of young people who truly believe that if they enter the workforce with nothing more than a college education and a lot of energy, the world is theirs. Hot loose women, loads of money, and all of it just willing to be plucked from the oblivious masses who are either older than you and gullible, or just not you, and so that’s what makes them gullible. The movie is full of egotism, and again, were the people older it wouldn’t have been as annoying and ridiculous as it was.

            Again, the movie is a lot of tease with no real pay off, watch a little bit of the movie to get a sense of how Amber Heard dressed up all sexy and then feel free to turn it off because it’s not gonna get any better.

            In the end I “Liked It” mostly because of Amber Heard’s sex appeal. I mean, it had moments that weren’t bad, so the movie wasn’t all around bad, but this movie was certainly helped by Amber Heard, and make no mistake this is her movie. The story and anyone else are secondary to essentially a movie that is made up to show Amber Heard off.