I "Didn't Like It" Mandy Lane: and see if you can follow my stream of consciousness on this one.

What can I say about All The Boys Love Mandy Lane other than it is a slasher movie.

            Nothing new or particularly interesting about it, in fact I almost gave up on it, and probably should have. On the border of “Didn’t Like It” and “Liked It” this movies falls just this side of “Didn’t Like It”. It’s like The Last Stand of 80’s horror movies. (That’s not a good thing.) I don’t get the feeling that it was trying to do any sort of nod towards the 80’s horror movies other than the fact that it was pretty much a straightforward slasher movie, the likes one would see from the 80’s, as opposed to anything after Scream that would have any sort of edge to it or originality (though even the Scream movies would eventually lose all of that as well).

            So I take this movie as it is, a slasher movie, one we’ve seen many times and one of the lesser well-made kind. The movie and acting are all about what you’d expect, it’s just the story itself isn’t very good.

            I get that Amber Heard is pretty, but in this movie I do not get why all the boys apparently love her. There is nothing presented to us that stands out as an explanation for the fascination with her. To be honest, the more I watched the movie the more I found the other blonde girl more attractive, and still the more I watched again I realized that the other girl was the better of the two actresses. Whitney Able is her name, and I don't know if it was just that Amber Heard was really bored filming Mandy Lane or what; maybe she knew this wasn't a good movie so she didn't really put any effort into her character, either way, Whitney Able was acting, she was working, and in the end you're rooting for her character to make it more than you are for Amber Heard's.

            I looked Whitney Able up after the Mandy Lane movie and found that she was the girl in Monsters . . .

            How a girl who goes from Mandy Lane to Monsters is not more popular than a girl who goes from Mandy Lane to say: Syrup, is way the fuck beyond me.

           

            The problems with Mandy Lane stretch from the horribly obvious to the horribly impossible. Example: A girl is killed by shoving the barrel of a gun into her mouth so far that her mouth snaps open, like it breaks her jaw. It’s graphic and you see it, briefly, but it is there, and the girl goes limp. Next scene her mouth is fine, though they did manage to put a bit of blood around her mouth to show that – though she has miraculously healed herself almost entirely, she was still hurt there once just seconds ago.

            The other problem is when the one guy has his privates passionately kissed by a girl until he reaches his peak moment of happiness? Not sure if you can get what I’m saying – like she used her mouth on him in a way that would make one think that they were married, but not like for a long time married, like newlywed married, you know? Anyway, he’s feelin’ good because the ending of the thing the girl was doing was happy, right? So he goes back into the house and immediately starts hitting on Mandy Lane again! This is total bullshit. Dude would be so chill and at least need a few minutes before he was all horned up again. I was a teenage boy once, I remember how horny I was, and I remember . . . well, let’s just say I had a lot of parties that no one else was invited to except for me, and afterwards I just wanted to lay there (mostly in tears). Sure a while later I was ready to go again, but not the time it takes to walk from outside a house to the inside.

            I should also talk about the almost-kiss in the bathroom between Mandy Lane and the Monsters girl. It was very well done, suspenseful and sexy and all that, but certainly not worth sitting through this movie for. But Josh, had they kissed, would it have been worth it? Nope.

            Mandy Lane is not a good movie, unless you like unoriginal slasher movies, in which case check it out!

I "Didn't Like It", The Last Stand, though I did hope to "Liked It".

Remember when I said that Jack Reacher is a nod to an 80’s movie, but in a good way? No? Then read my review. Seriously, how have you made it this long without it?

            My wife and I did not watch this movie together. I watched it – spread out over a few nights – on my Vita with headphones.

            First off, if you saw this movie and you said afterwards – that movie was horrible! Then you are a massive idiot. Your reaction implies you expected it to be great, in which case, again, you are a massive idiot! Did you see this movie because of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Idiot! Johnny Knoxville? Idiot! Louis Guzman? You’re cool (though he’s barely in it). Peter Stormare? You’re cool (though he’s barely in it). A good plot? Seriously? Fine acting? Come on! Guns being shot! Explosions! You’re cool! The car racing towards the border was a surprise, both pleasant in the sound (volume turned up all the way, headphones, made the car’s engine sound cool (I’m not into cars at all, but I am still a guy.)) and unpleasant in how ridiculous it is as well. The way the guy and girl in the car would snap back when he shifted a gear was hilarious and reminded me of my brothers and me acting movies out when we were kids.

            Oh yeah, and whoever does not see that the female hostage is not really a hostage but in on it from the beginning, you are an idiot! No, they don’t have sex, but you know it was thought about! I mean come on, an 80’s movie without any nudity? Seriously, you know they thought about putting it in there.

            How on Earth Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a career out of his acting is beyond me. I've never acted in a movie but I am pretty fucking sure I can act better than him, and I don’t think he’s ever admitted or tried to pass himself off as an actor, that’s the thing that gets me! And he still get’s movies! I mean, he’s a name now, so that’s why he gets movies, but back in the day, how? By playing a robot, a soldier (or ex-soldier)? Like the one he plays in this movie! Wow!

            This movie is made by people and for people who are all stuck in the past. Those movies from the 80’s, when no one knew any better, were good movies. Now, they are not, they are this movie. This movie would have done fantastic 25 or 30 years ago, but not now!

            I think it is possible for Arnold (I’m done trying to spell his name right) to be in a good movie. You’re gonna think I’m insane after my previous rant, but I think the guy could possibly maybe act, like he has it in him. There’s a moment here where his deputy is dying and for one second – a split second – he looks really sad that this young guy is dying! The moment is more than brief and the acting is still rather forced but even still for Arnold I was blown away by the moment. So much so I showed my wife the set up and then the scene and I say: “Look at him, he looks really sad and worried, he looks like he’s really acting.”

            My wife just shook her head and said, “He’s not acting. He is really worried and sad, about being in this movie.”

            We both laughed then, we laughed at Arnold’s career and all those who saw this movie and loved it, as well as those who saw it and were disappointed.